The Power of Finding Your Voice: From Silence to Assertiveness

From the time many of us were little girls, we were taught to be “polite.” To share, to smile, to be agreeable. To not rock the boat. For generations, being “ladylike” often meant being quiet, deferring to others, and smoothing over conflict, even at our own expense. While courtesy has its place, this cultural training has had an unintended cost: too often, women grow into adults who struggle to advocate for themselves.

When you add a history of trauma into the mix, the barriers to finding one’s voice become even steeper. For survivors, silence and passivity may not simply be social conditioning—they may have once been strategies for survival.

Trauma and the Habit of Silence

For those who have lived through abuse, being passive or quiet wasn’t just about politeness—it was protective. In unsafe situations, blending in, staying silent, or avoiding conflict may have been the only way to stay safe. This was not weakness; it was wisdom born of necessity.

But here’s the paradox: what once kept us safe can later keep us stuck.

After the danger ends, the body and mind often continue to operate as if silence is still the safest choice. What started as a survival tactic becomes a communication habit—and I use “habit” intentionally rather than “style.” Why? Because style suggests preference or authenticity, but for many survivors, passivity isn’t truly who they are. It’s something they learned in order to survive.

And while it once served a vital purpose, that habit can quietly undermine personal growth, relationships, and professional advancement.

The Cost of Staying Quiet

Strong communication skills are the foundation for every part of life: in intimate partnerships, in friendships, and in the workplace. Without them, we can find ourselves:

• Agreeing to things we don’t want to do.

• Avoiding difficult conversations that could strengthen a relationship.

• Missing out on promotions or recognition because we don’t advocate for ourselves.

  
  

When silence becomes the default, it’s not just about avoiding conflict—it’s about forfeiting agency. Our needs, ideas, and boundaries matter, but if we don’t voice them, others may never know they exist.

Assertive vs. Aggressive vs. Passive: Understanding the Difference

Part of reclaiming your voice means understanding the spectrum of communication. Too often, women are told that being assertive is the same as being aggressive. That misunderstanding alone can silence us.

• Passive communication looks like shrinking back, avoiding conflict, or saying “yes” when we mean “no.” The goal is safety and harmony, even at our own expense.

• Aggressive communication often dominates others, dismissing or steamrolling their needs to prioritize our own. It can feel forceful, demanding, or even hostile.

• Assertive communication is something altogether different. It is direct, clear, and respectful. Assertiveness acknowledges our needs as important while also respecting the needs of others.

  
  

Put simply: passivity neglects your voice, aggression neglects theirs, but assertiveness holds space for both.

Why Assertiveness Feels So Radical

For survivors of trauma, especially women who were raised to be “nice” above all else, assertiveness can feel downright radical. It challenges cultural norms, survival instincts, and even ingrained family dynamics.

Saying, “That doesn’t work for me,” or “I need something different,” can feel uncomfortable, even dangerous, at first. The body may remember a time when speaking up led to punishment, rejection, or violence. But over time, practicing assertiveness allows us to rewire those associations. What once felt unsafe can gradually become empowering.

Building Assertiveness: Small but Powerful Steps

Finding your voice is not about transforming overnight from silent to outspoken. It’s about practicing small, intentional acts of self-expression. Here are some starting points:

1. Notice your patterns. Reflect on moments when you default to silence or agreeability. Ask yourself: Am I choosing this, or is it a habit?

2. Practice in safe spaces. Begin with people you trust—friends, therapists, or support groups—where speaking up carries less risk.

3. Use “I” statements. Communicate from your perspective: “I feel overwhelmed when…” or “I need more time before deciding.”

4. Tolerate discomfort. It’s normal for your body to feel anxious when breaking old patterns. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong; it means you’re doing something new.

5. Celebrate progress. Each moment of speaking your truth—even in small ways—is an act of reclaiming your agency.

Reclaiming Voice, Reclaiming Power

The journey from silence to assertiveness is deeply personal. It asks us to challenge not just external messages, but also internalized ones: that our worth lies in being agreeable, that our safety depends on being quiet.

Survivors of trauma, in particular, carry the heavy weight of learned passivity. But those same survivors also carry extraordinary resilience. The very instincts that once kept them alive can now be reshaped into tools for thriving.

Assertiveness is not aggression, and it is not selfishness. It is the practice of honoring your own needs while respecting others. It is the bridge between survival and authenticity.

When women and survivors find their voices, they don’t just change their own lives. They change families, workplaces, and communities. Because every time one of us speaks clearly, sets a boundary, or advocates for ourselves, we are modeling for others that they, too, have the right to take up space.